The following are lies I have been told over the years, sometimes to devestating effects.
1. "Short hair is sooo easy to style and maintain! LOLZ!"
Background: In my senior year of high school, I got inspired by Posh Spice (don't laugh; this was the 90s, after all) and got my hair cut super, super short on the advice of my stylist. She told me it would be so easy to style in the morning, and it would be much easier than my shoulder-length hair. I agreed, and soon my hair was just above my ears.
The truth: OMG, NO, it is NOT. I had to slather my hair in gels every morning to get it to look right, and if it didn't style properly, I had to redo the whole thing. It would take me 30 minutes, sometimes, to get it to look proper. (Although, I have to admit that this was an insanely cute cut for me. I had a teacher who stopped class to tell me how good it looked, people!)
2. "You'll totally love the Twilight books!!!111"
Background: When I was on maternity leave with Maureen, I decided to check out the first Twilight book so I could have a trashy novel to read while pumping. The recommendation came from a friend I had reconnected with on Facebook, so there you go.
The truth: People do realize that Edward is a total prick, right? And that he's a creep, and that no sane person should actually date him, right? I mean, RIGHT? Although I can't really criticize it too much: If these books had been around when I was 15, I would have read the hell out of the series.
3. "You'll be holding your baby by dinner time, I promise!"
Background: I was induced so I could finally have Maureen, and at first, labor was going along ok. My contractions were getting closer and closer, and I was dialated, and the nurse, like, totally SWORE that I'd be done and over by about 5 in time for dinner (this after being induced around 7:30 a.m.).
The truth: Ha. Ha. And hahahaha. Maureen was not delivered until 11. I can't fault the nurse, as labor is dicey, but yeah, maybe skip the promises the next time around.
4. "Biscotti is so easy to make."
Background: About 10 years ago, I decided to make biscotti because really, how hard can it be? Just follow the directions, stupid - right?
The truth: It ended in TEARS and I will NEVER be able to live this one down. My sister still asks me if I'm making the "chocolate rocks" again this year.
5. "Getting a five-year car loan is the smart way to buy a car."
Background: When I was young and stupid and just out of college, I desperately wanted a PT Cruiser. I didn't have a whole lot of cash for a down payment, so to make it "affordable," I got roped into a five-year car loan because the nice salesman told me that that would be the only "smart" way to buy a car. (Knowing what I know now, I would have left the dealership, and for a lot of different reasons, too.)
The truth: Oh, this was duuuumb. D-U-M-B. And, it's mostly my fault, as I didn't really research financing options and all of that jazz.
6. "You can totally trust me."
Background: This was said to me by my first college roommate.
The truth: After letting her sleazy boyfriend spend the night in our dorm room (where, by the way, we were only a pretzel's throw away from each other), "accidentally" eating my food, "accidentally" lending out my movies, "forgetting" that the TV was mine, etc., etc....yeah, not so much. Looking back, I wish that I had cut off her boyfriend's ponytail while they slept, then hung it from our door. THAT would have sent a message (although it probably would have been more "call the cops, because this beesh is cuh-RAY-zee!" and less "dont' mess with me").
7. "I don't smell anything."
Background: This was said by Josh when Maureen had a FOUL-smelling diaper a few weeks ago.
The truth: In his defense, this might not truly count as a lie, as Josh's sense of smell has truly diminished over the years. Which is a pain in the ass when I think I smell gas.